Tonight my mother and I went to her first and my fourth Neko Case concert at the Crystal Ballroom, here in drizzly Portland. Since I have seen her and her wonderful band so many times, I am perfectly fine with saying that, though this wasn't the best experience, it was altogether pretty wonderful. A word to those who might be seeing her soon: you'd better like the new album, she played all but one song off of it (before the show they even played a couple minutes of "Marais la Nuit", which I had the pleasure of hearing everyone around me mispronounce).
This was the first concert that I've been to in several months. Every time I go to a show in a venue like the Crystal Ballroom (standing-room, general admission), I'm reminded of the horrors of Concert Etiquette, which, much like Drivers Etiquette, is something that only I ever seem to notice or pay attention to. This might be bitchy of me to do, but here's my quick, handy, bloggy guide to how to act during a show, or, how to not have the people around you call you an asshole:
Standing and Moving
At a ticketed show, standing is a pretty simple thing: you have a seat, you stand in front of it. The guy next to you does that too. It's like driving in the lanes. At a general admission show, it's more like a NASCAR track, except that it's stuffed with cars of every shape and size, and some are really zippy and some just stay right where they are. So where does one stand? How does one stand in a way that is as beneficial to others as possible? (after all, we are all here to listen to the music. There! We have enough in common to form a Facebook group. So be fucking polite) In this category, standing has to do with the size of your party and the height of everyone in the group.
Big Groups
As far as size goes, if you have a big group and you really want to be close to the stage, get there early. If you show up when the opening group is winding down and you spot an empty space that's about two feet by three feet, don't drag your elephant chain of seven friends through all the people who have been standing there for thirty minutes and try to squeeze them in. Number one, they won't fit. Number two, don't make the mistake of thinking that people left that spot open becuase they wanted to be polite to the hypothetical ten people behind them. Maybe they have someone getting beer. Maybe they just wanted a little bit of breathing room. Either way, if you show up late, you're stuck, unless you split up the group into more manageable pairs or singles. And on that note: if you decide to send someone on a beer run, don't do it during the show, and don't do it after things get crowded. He/she will spill most of the beer on other people and likely get split from the group for good. This takes us to the other side of the size question:
The Single Concert-Goer
First of all, we feel your pain, man. You most likely have dick friends who either don't like your band or are out of town, and we respect your dedication to shelling out $25 on a show. Single concert-goers have a great advantage over groups and couples; like a motorcycle in a James Bond movie, they can duck and weave through the throngs of people, until they can successfully plant their toes at the very edge of the stage, fulfilling their dream of looking up Neko Case's nose. However, like the Force, this is not a power to be abused. Before you serpentine your way up to the front, consider: how much do you really need to be that close? Even if you're just one person, you could be blocking or displacing a bunch of other people that care more, and you could enjoy the show from a few feet back. And don't forget the rule about the empty space as discussed above: it's not a magical space that no one noticed because some divine power wants you to stand there. Read the area, if no one seems to notice and standing there won't end up with you or someone else being felt up, stand there. If not, just deal with it. You have a pretty decent experience anywhere, right? Well, this question brings to mind the importance of:
Height
Okay, sorry men. This one's just for you, unless the WNBA got tickets to the show as well. standing behind a tall person sucks. It sucks a whole lot, and no one wants to be there, and no one wants to tap you on the shoulder and tell you to move. We short people are in a conundrum: are we mad at you for being tall? Should we be like that kid Curtis in the comic strip who spends all of church talking about how big the women's hats are? Truthfully, the flat, compressed general admission floor is not the place where the Big and Tall are really welcome. Not that we can ask you to hunker down or anything. So if you are tall, you have an advantage, you can see the same view from pretty much anywhere. So, like the single concert-goer, you must ask the question: how much do I need to be up-front? If this is a life-changing event, if you are buzzing inside with happiness at the opportunity to see this group that has so far evaded you, okay, you get a pass. You just have to prove to people around you that you're into it. If not, if you're one of those "stand and do nothing" people, well, give the rest of us a chance.
During the Show
So the lights are dimmed, the band has taken the stage, someone mutters "thank you" in the microphone. The concert has begun! Not only that, but you're ass-to-ankles with about two hundred people. How do you act in this crowded, fire-risk environment?
Take Cues from the Band
There's a spectrum in rock shows that has Smog on one side and Jonas Brothers on the other. If the person on stage is still the whole time, crooning something about haystacks or rain clouds with their eyes closed so that they just look like they're sleep-singing, don't dance. Fold your arms, sway a little bit (not too much), nod your head. But if the stage is full of dance, heavy beats, waving arms, or punk blasts from the stage, act accordingly, dance or fight, play air guitar (this is for the shittier bands, mind you). If the song they are playing is an anthem and you are in an arena full of people who most likely also know the words (see: Green Day), feel free to pump along to the words, especially if a band member is pumping his fist as well (see: Green Day). This also goes for raising your hands above your head and clapping, or waving them side to side. However, if none of these conditions apply, keep your hands and arms below shoulder height at all times. Why? Because it's obnoxious. For example, when I saw Neko Case this evening, the band's cues were that the music was good for swaying, singing along, and that the atmosphere was relatively relaxed. From those cues, I decided to sway a few inches to either side to the slower songs, tap my feet or shake my hips and shoulders to the more upbeat stuff, or clap my hands close to my body, directly in front of me. I was able to express my love of the music without bothering anyone else around me.
On the other side, you have the standing-still and not doing anything people. Acting this way is not inappropriate, it just weirds people out that you're so damn stoic. This goes back to the tall person/single concert-goer thing: if you stand in front of someone who is dancing and you're standing with your arms crossed like you're too cool to care, you're just being a jerk.
Singing Along/Shouting Out Loud
This is a lot like the taking cues from the band thing. If the band is playing a song that is anthemic (see: Green Day) or turn their microphones to the audience, even touching their ear to indicate that they want you to sing (see: Green Day), well, belt whatever it is out loud. If it's a quieter show, singing out loud with the song is a bit weird. There is an exception for phrases; you can sing a few of the nicer words out loud, but if you end up singing the entire verse, this gets tiring to those around you, and it just seems like you're bragging about how many words you know. Also, keep in mind that people are here to hear the band play, not you. And if you're yelling the words at the singer like you're having some sort of communiun with them, no you're not. Stop yelling at the back of someone's head. However, you are allowed to sing along at a reasonable volume; that is, you mouth the words to yourself, or sing at a volume relatively lower than the music that's playing. The most important thing to remember here is that most people, when they can't hear themselves singing, are completely tone deaf. Keep this in mind: yes, you know all the words, but you sound terrible. And a note on shouting: don't shout requests, unless the people on stage ask for them. They have a set to play, the lighting, sound, and band have a set to play, they won't stop for you and play whatever the fuck you want. Yelling tends to be a bad idea, too, especially if it just ends up with the person in front of you cringing. "I LOVE YOU!" do you? Duh. You bought a ticket. Most importantly, never, ever, ever yell "Freebird!", because then you may as well have the word "douchebag" written on your forehead for the rest of your life.
Couples
Alright, you're in love. Kudos. This is a big night for you two, you really wanted to share it with each other, mush mush blah blah. You are also sharing this magical night with the people around you, who don't really want to be happy for your happiness, they just want to enjoy themselves. Can you hold hands? Yes. Can you hold your girlfriend from behind? Yes. Can you grind while doing it? No. Can you slow dance and make out and make sexy faces at each other the whole time? No. You are in at least ten people's line of vision, and the last thing anyone wants in their line of vision is some chick tonguing some guy's ear. This is big with the personal space issue as well, I don't want your arm that's groping your girlfriend to be rubbing along my back. Gross. Again, I would suggest standing further back where there's more room and privacy, or perhaps going up to the balcony. This rule of etiquette is directly related to the Tall Person rule, since the combination of a tall guy and a woman's tongue in his ear is especially deadly. Now, I'm not trying to say that couples must be stoic, and kissing is certainly allowed (limitedly), but if you are so happy together, then you can do just as much at home, and there you don't even have to wear clothes! Also, and this is very important: men, do not ever, ever put a girl on your shoulders.
Talking
My friends and I do this all the time, commenting on the people around us, the band playing, how much we really have to pee. However, talking tends to be a no-no at a show; after all, you're here to listen to the music, not to yak. If you're back at a table, though, or if it's between songs, then talking is perfectly acceptable. But during a song, you have to be careful. If you're too loud, it's rude and distracting. If you have to lean over to talk to someone, then you're needlessly obstructing the view of those behind you, and if you do this, your face is on a fast track to fist town. The best way to talk is to mimic the couples doing their face-forward hug, and you can easily lean back or forward to whisper sweet nothings in each other's ear. If this doesn't work, then at least stand close enough together that people can't see anything between your heads anyway.
Drinking
Beers are great. If it's in a bottle or a breakeable glass, it might be best to enjoy your beverage back at the bar. Cuts are bad. If it's in a plastic bottle or a cup, keep it in your hands, not on the floor. And be careful not to spill it all over people. If this is a dancing show, then stay back until you're full of nice, frosty beer.
One Last Word
Somewhere I can hear someone saying "Come on, Meg. Stop being a bitch about it, people should be allowed to enjoy the experience however they want!" Yeah? Well, you know that rule in sex, where you can only go as far as you are both comfortable? Concerts are like that, only with a lot of people. You can't be rude for the same reason you can't start screaming in Starbucks, or you can't walk all over the desks in the classroom. "But that's just what society wants you to do! Fuck that!" No, fuck you. Rude is rude, and no one wants their concert experience dulled by someone who just doesn't give a shit about anyone else. On that note, though, the reason why concert etiquette is so rarely followed is because people don't speak up about it. Just like people don't get mad at the tall people, they don't get mad at the giant groups of people, those who push them out of the way, they don't tell couples to stop slobbering all over each other or tell that guy who keeps talking about how his "friends are up front, man, just let me get by!" to stay where he is. This is because getting outwardly mad is the last thing you want to do, it more or less ruins the show for you, them, and everyone who has to watch. And the whole point is to make sure that everyone has a good experience. The only way that we can have good concerts is to spread the word outside of the venues. Tell your friends and loved ones, plainly and simply, that we're all here to enjoy ourselves. Don't be a dick.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment